Long Time No Blog

I just don't have as much to say these days. Or at least: I don't have as much to say in this forum. But no, I think it's more than that, because I find myself picking and choosing conversations I want to have (even conversations with myself) carefully these days. I'm picky with who I want to argue/discuss things with, and what I care to argue/discuss. More picky than I used to be, at any rate.

Today I was reading a post that was lauding Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" as a work of erotic fiction. My first impulse, no doubt, was to rail against such a notion (of course, all of Rand's fiction and most of her non-fiction could be used in BDSM contexts pretty easily, either as direct spanking-punishment implements, or by forcing one's submissive to read them). That impulse quickly waned. My next impulse was to read what other people were saying. It was all fairly predictable. My next impulse was to just click the little 'x' and go away from the conversation, which is what I did. Sure, there's part of my brain, in the background, still processing it, but I just have little desire to enter into such conversations right now.

And yet, I'm not feeling generally apathetic--in fact, I think I'm sort of feeling the opposite, as if I'm recognizing that feeling so deeply about stuff like Ayn Rand (or Xtian street preachers, or who gets to be a feminist) meant that I didn't have as much social or emotional space about things that I really do care more deeply about, and want to care deeply about (i.e. social justice, good friends, sex, probably not in that order).

Apparently I care enough about discussion what I care about to actually write and post here...at least today!

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Lex was kind enough to take me on a long-ish (for me, not for her) bike ride up to the top of San Bruno mountain, from her place in the mission:


Ok, maybe saying we biked up this is more impressive:


It's good to have friends, though about 3/4 of the way up the mountain, I was thinking that hermitage might be the way to go...

Life with Less Depression

Life with less depression is...odd. I'm not used to it yet. I feel an oncoming storm, the symptoms I feel when things are about to get Really Bad, and then: They don't get Really Bad. They get rough, and I ride it out, and then I come out the other side--relatively quickly these days. Which is not to say that I am not dealing with anxiety and depression still, because I am; but things feel better, and feel like they are getting better all the time. It's a nice feeling, obviously, but sort of disconcerting at times, simply because it is a new feeling. I'm not as good at navigating unexplored territory, or feeling calm amidst the chaos, and yet, here I am, navigating what it means to live my life with less of the crippling sadness and anxiety that I now see I lived with for most of my life.

I have so many tools now: 5-HTP, mediation, yoga. I've gotten better at not getting caught up in the eddies of wanting-certainty types of thinking. I've gotten better at sympathizing with others, especially with others who aren't like me in various ways. I've gotten better at being a bit more social, and enjoying that as much as I have always enjoyed my alone time. (I've also recognized that some of that "enjoying of alone time" was actually "avoiding dealing with anxiety", though still perhaps necessary.)

It feels odd to even put all of this out there, as if I'm setting myself up, even, for a shift back. And who knows, I may find myself shifting back toward depression. But the more time goes by, the less I think that may happen.

Finally, An Argument Against Religious Zealots

My brain never seems to tire of coming up with more little arguments for why various religions are bogus. Here's the one it came up with while I did yoga this morning (irony?):

Regarding Xtians who believe they have the One True Religion:
First, think about the literally billions of people who have believed in a different god than you. Next, recognize that it's pretty prideful to imagine that you have figured it out, that you have a hold on the truth, while the billions of others have gotten it wrong. Finally: Pride? Sin.

Now I sit back and wait for conversions to atheism...

Who Do I Want to Be?

I can't decide if I'd rather be Jay Smooth or Dan Charnas.

What a bunch of insightful-yet-witty cultural commentary. Originally from Ill Doctrine.

The Support of Scripture

This is exactly the problem I have with "faith"--and with so-called certain knowledge based on interpretation:

Scott Roeder, 51, of Merriam, Kan., whom authorities have described as a suspect in Sunday’s fatal shooting here of George Tiller, the doctor who had been a focal point for abortion opponents for decades, was once a subscriber and occasional contributor to a newsletter, Prayer and Action News, said to Dave Leach, an anti-abortion activist from Des Moines who runs the newsletter. Mr. Leach said he and Mr. Roeder had met once, and Mr. Roeder had described similar views to his own. Of Dr. Tiller’s death, Mr. Leach said, “To call this a crime is too simplistic,” adding, “There is Christian scripture that would support this."(emphasis mine)

20090513 Altar Boy

20090513
Altar Boy
Monday night during my setup for my meditation class, the instructor asked me to light the candles on the altar. I don't know if it's called an altar.  Statues and fresh flowers and candles live there.  I said that I would, and proceeded to light the candles, but I felt like I was violating the space, felt like it wasn't quite my place. And yet, that's one of the things that I like about the meditation center: It is an altar.  But here I am, a volunteer, and I'm lighting the candles there, because the candles aren't holy, the altar isn't holy, per se, but a set of reminders.  Respect != reverence.  In fact, letting a layperson light the dang candles is a kind of irreverence to many of the things that bug me about organized religion, so it was nice. Now I want to do it every time.