Social

Something odd has happened over the last few years: I've become more social. What this means for me is that I more often enjoy being around other folks, even in groups, than I have at any other point in my life. Some of this has been a conscious move on my part: When Kareem and Jessie moved away, I knew that I had to do a lot to get out of my funk about it, and also to get away from the all-eggs-one-basket problem of having friends move away. I wasn't sure how this was going to work, because I have historically had "problems" when it comes to being social.

What sorts of problems? For most of my life I just thought of myself as a "loner" type, despite the fact that I always had at least a few really close friends. In retrospect, using all the hindsight that being almost 40 can provide, I think I thought of myself this way in part because I simply felt anxious in social situations. This manifested as shyness, but also just regular ol' anxiety--heart rate goes up, focus goes down, breath speeds up, enjoyment goes down. Even the things I really wanted to do--perform a play, hang out with a group of good friends, whatever--were infused with anxiety. Because of this, there was always this push/pull of trying to connect with people and pulling away. I wanted to connect, but connecting wore me out and filled me with anxiety.

I still feel this way a good deal of the time, this push/pull. But the push feels less intense now, most of the time. I simply have less anxiety, for all kinds of reasons. Part of it is getting older, gaining some perspective; now that I have gone through more in life, less in life freaks me out, I suppose. Part of it is actively trying to understand my anxiety, and divest myself of it at least some of the time. Meditation helps with this. As does exercise. As does, turns out, blood pressure medication. But I think meditation really helps the most: Through my day, I recognize that I'm starting a new anxiety cycle, and I take a few breaths, and--sometimes at least--I can simmer down a little.

One of the most amazing parts of all of this is that I am having lots of new experiences now, and more of them, because I more often want to be out in the world, around people, and I less often need/want recharge time alone. Still value that time alone, and enjoy it, but the sense of need isn't quite as visceral. So I now find myself looking forward to going to a club, or a bar, or a meditation center, even though I know I'll feel some anxiousness simply because of the crowd. I also know I'll feel it just a little, most likely, and that I'll enjoy myself. I'm more in touch with that. It's a nice feeling.

I also have more social groups that I belong to now than I ever did in the past. More friends, more acquaintances, more communities. And not only virtual communities (those are on the wane for me, actually)--but communities where I sit in a room with others, and talk, and get some stuff done, or have some fun, or both. It's nice.